Narrator : Ah, Goo Lagoon. A stinky mud puddle to you and me. But to the inhabitants of Bikini Bottom, a wonderful, stinky mud puddle.
(SpongeBob and Sandy sit enjoying the beach. SpongeBob sighs)
SpongeBob : What a great day. (he runs off) Hey Sandy! Look! (he is now covered in a mound of sand) I’m Sandy! (Sandy laughs. SpongeBob forms sand around his head and nose to look like Squidward and imitates his voice) Hey Sandy, who am I? (Sandy still laughs. SpongeBob picks up a sand phone) Hello SpongeBob. Could you keep it down? I’m trying to be boring. (Sandy continues laughing)
Sandy : SpongeBob!
(a doorbell rings, SpongeBob walks in carrying sand pizza boxes and wearing a sand hat)
SpongeBob : Did anyone order twenty pepperoni and sand pizzas? (SpongeBob and Sandy laugh together. Larry walks up)
Larry : Hey Sandy. Hey SpongeBob.
Sandy : Hey Larry.
Larry : You guys wanna go lift some weights?
Sandy : Sure. (she and Larry walk off) Well come on, SpongeBob.
SpongeBob : (SpongeBob’s sand pizzas fall flat as he walks on dejectedly, disappointingly) Coming.
(cut to a group of weightlifters, each grunting as they work out. Larry turns to Sandy)
Larry : Give it a try, Sandy.
(Sandy stands in front of a weight. She picks it up, grunting as she does so. The crowd cheers for her, and she throws the weight down)
SpongeBob : Good job, Sandy. Well, that’s about enough for today, don’t you think? (SpongeBob tries to walk off)
Larry : How about a little more weight? (Larry bends down to pick up a weight heavier than Sandy’s) Observe. (Larry grunts as he picks it up, his eyes bulging, and veins stick out from his neck. The crowd cheers, and Larry throws the weight down)
SpongeBob : Alright, stand back everyone.
(SpongeBob picks up a single twig from the ground. The crowd is silent. He sinks into the sand. Sandy walks to a weight)
Sandy : Y’all watch this! (Sandy picks up an anchor weight. The crowd cheers for her, but stop when they realize Larry has lifted the spectator stands) Way to go Larry! (SpongeBob burrows into the sand, and tunnels over to a fish picnicking next to a marshmallow sack)
SpongeBob : Could I borrow a couple of these? (the fish murmurs something through his marshmallow-filled mouth. SpongeBob takes two marshmallows and places them on the twig) And now, with the addition of two, count em, two marshmallows.
(SpongeBob preps himself for his lift, inhales deeply, takes hold of the twig, and is unable to lift it. The crowd isn’t moved. He tries again. And again. After a huge effort, SpongeBob hears a rip. He looks down and notices that he’s ripped his pants. The crowd gasps, then laughs at SpongeBob. SpongeBob scuttles off, embarrassed. Scooter walks over, laughing)
Scooter : THAT was too funny. (he slaps SpongeBob on the back) YOU are hilarious!
Sandy : Ain’t he the funniest little Sponge you ever saw?
(SpongeBob grins widely. Cut to Larry)
Larry : Anybody up for some volleyball?
(the ball volleys back and forth, until Larry spikes it into some fish and the crowd cheers for him. SpongeBob looks at him in contempt. A fish serves the ball and as Larry is about to hit it, SpongeBob interferes)
SpongeBob : I got it! (the ball falls and SpongeBob tries to serve it) Incoming! (the serve misses and the crowd boos. He bends down to pick the ball up and rips his pants) Oops, I guess I ripped my pants again! (the crowd laughs. Scooter walks in laughing again)
Scooter : Once again dude, (he slaps SpongeBob on the back) YOU have split my sides! (he continues to laugh. Cut to a Frisbee. Larry catches it and throws it to Sandy)
SpongeBob : Hey Sandy, how about throwing it to me?
Sandy : OK, here it comes! (SpongeBob stands still and lets the Frisbee hit him on the head, knocking him over)
SpongeBob : I could use a hand here! (he laughs. Sandy walks over and helps him up)
Sandy : You okay, SpongeBob?
SpongeBob : I guess so… (he does a handstand, revealing his pants) …except I ripped my pants! (the crowd laughs, and Scooter walks up to SpongeBob once again)
Scooter : You still got it, dude! (he slaps SpongeBob on the back again. Cut to SpongeBob and Sandy walking to an ice cream vendor)
Lou Vendor : May I help you?
SpongeBob : I’ll take a banana split.
Lou Vendor : Uh, we don’t have that.
SpongeBob : That’s okay. I already split my pants! Get it? (Sandy giggles)
Lou Vendor : (annoyed) Tee-hee. Anything else?
SpongeBob : How about ripple? (he does so, Sandy giggles again) No thanks, already got one! (Sandy drops laughing and SpongeBob happily bounces off to a snack bar. SpongeBob runs up to Harold, knocking his drink over) Is that a burger you’re eating?
Harold : Why, yes it is.
SpongeBob : You know what would go good with that?
Harold : No, what?
SpongeBob : (whispers) Ripped… pants.
(SpongeBob smiles widely and shows the annoyed Harold his ripped pants. SpongeBob then runs around the snack bar, laughing. He comes up in-between two fish)
SpongeBob : Ripped pants a la mode!
(he rips his pants, the fish are annoyed. Cut to SpongeBob being in the kitchen of the snack bar, next to the fry cook)
SpongeBob : Delivery! Did you order twenty cases of ripped pants?
(SpongeBob shoves his behind through the box, revealing his ripped pants. He laughs. The fry cook groans disgustedly. Cut to a broadcasting booth over looking the lagoon)
Perch Perkins : Surfs up in the Goo Lagoon. (fish are surfing. Close-up of Perch Perkins) And here comes Larry, doing his trademark lay-back. There goes Sandy, hanging ten… fingers, that is. There goes SpongeBob… ripping his… pants again.
(Perch Perkins is annoyed, then cut to SpongeBob ripping his pants on his surfboard. A wave knocks SpongeBob off his surfboard and washes him up on the beach)
Lifeguard : Hey, look! A cardboard box washed up on the beach. (he takes a closer look through his telescope) Holy fish paste! It’s a guy! (he sprints over to SpongeBob and flips him over) Why?! WHY?! WHHHHHYYYY?!!!!!!! (a crowd gathers around SpongeBob and the lifeguard)
Sandy : SpongeBob!
SpongeBob : (to lifeguard) Come closer. I need… I need…
Lifeguard : What do you need? (tears come to the lifeguards and Sandy’s eyes)
SpongeBob : (pats the lifeguard on the shoulder. Close up of SpongeBob’s mouth) A tailor. (the light turns off, accompanied by a light switch) Because I ripped my pants!
(The lifeguard takes a serious face, drops SpongeBob, and the crowd surrounding him walks off, angrily. SpongeBob is left alone and Sandy walks up to him)
Sandy : That wasn’t funny, SpongeBob! Y’all had me worried sick! (she walks off. Scooter walks towards SpongeBob and looks at him sadly)
Scooter : Dude… (he walks off. Cut to a dressing tent, with SpongeBob inside)
SpongeBob : (thinking) Come on, SpongeBob, you’re losing em! Think! Your public’s waiting. (speaking) Let’s see… (checking them off a list) “Lifting weights – big laugh”, “Frisbee in face – kills”, “Surfing – knocks em dead”, “Pretending to drown – … (he uses his pencil to write the word “NO” and circle it) NO”. Come on, think! I got it!
SpongeBob : (he runs out of the dressing tent) Hey everybody! Not ripped pants! (he tears his pants off) Pants ripped off. Huh? Someone call the police. There’s a pants thief on the loose!
(the wind howls, SpongeBob standing alone on the beach. A tumbleweed rolls by. SpongeBob turns and hears party music at a distance, and sees Larry and Sandy playing volleyball)
SpongeBob : Oh no, everybody’s gone, even Sandy. She’d rather hang out with Larry! Oh no, no, no, no, no, no, no. (SpongeBob lies on the beach) We blew it, pants.
Pants : What do you mean, “we”? (the pants walk off, leaving SpongeBob alone)
SpongeBob : Oh, I didn’t have to be a fool to get Sandy’s attention. AM I THE BIGGEST LOSER ON THE BEACH?!
(Millie walks up to SpongeBob, shining red)
Millie : No, I am. I forgot to put on sunscreen. (she places a fin on herself, and it leaves a sounding mark, which vanishes)
SpongeBob : Ouch. (a fish walks up to the two)
Fish : No, I am. I got sand in my buns. (he shows them two sandy hamburger buns. There is a rumbling coming from the sand and a whale pops his head out of the sand)
Whale : No, I’m the biggest loser on the beach. They buried me in the sand and forgot me.
All : What happened to you?
SpongeBob : I lost my best friend.
All : How?
(SpongeBob grabs a sand guitar and sings)
SpongeBob : When I ripped… (rip) my pants. (he starts to sing) I thought that I had everybody by my side, but I went and blew it all sky-high, and now she won’t even spare a passing glance, all just because I (rip) ripped my pants.
(the other three “losers of the beach” assemble on a sand stage with sand instruments and sing)
All : When big Larry came round just to put him down, SpongeBob turned into a clown, and no girl ever wants to dance with a fool who went and (rip) ripped his pants.
SpongeBob : (singing voice, a crowd begins to gather) I know I shouldn’t mope around, I shouldn’t curse, but the pain feels so much worse… cause winding up with no one is a lot less fun than a burn from the sun…
All : …or sand in your buns! (instrumental break, then the curtain shows waves crashing about)
SpongeBob : Now I learned a lesson I won’t soon forget… so listen and you won’t regret. Be true to yourself; don’t miss your chance… and you wont end up like the…
All : …fool~ who~ ripped~ his~ pants~!
(the whole group comes together one by one in sync with the music and rip their pants. By now, a huge crowd has gathered and is cheering the group onstage. A blimp flies by with SpongeBob’s name on it)
Sandy : SpongeBob!
SpongeBob : Sandy! (she jumps on onstage and hugs SpongeBob)
Sandy : Your song is true. If y’all want to be my friend, just be yourself.
(Larry walks up)
Larry : SpongeBob, that was so righteous. Would you… sign my pants?
SpongeBob : Absolutely, buddy. (SpongeBob bends down to sign Larry’s pants. His underpants rip off, leaving SpongeBob nude. Someone off-screen whistles)